This isn’t written for you to agree, but more to help you better understand what you believe so that you know what you want to share with your child. Modify this to be age appropriate for your child.

Dear Son,

First, I want to tell you that we love you so much. We are so proud of you. You know our philosophies on politics and social issues. You know we want you to be a good person, respect others, do volunteer work, and be a lifelong learner.  We know this isn’t news to you, because we share our thoughts with you on just about everything. We don’t think you know our philosophy on intimacy and sex, although it is just as important.

We want to give you information on sex because much of the information on the internet is missing the context of intimacy. The dynamics that come with sex can be complicated so we believe that it is best when you are in a long-term relationship with someone and only when you both feel safe and comfortable with one another.

Communication while you are interacting intimately is also critical. It is what keeps people connected and genuine in relationships. Intimacy is being authentic, honest, genuine & allowing yourself to be vulnerable in that space with another person. You need to be able to communicate verbally to have that. If people are only communicating by text, they will miss that valuable piece and this will impact their intimate interactions and relationships.

You want to be able to feel comfortable being both a giver and receiver and in order to do that you need to be able to fantasize, listen, relax, and be in the moment with each other.

Communication before you interact intimately is also important so that you can talk about birth control and safer sex. Regardless of what someone tells you about their sexual history or other forms of birth control, you need to use a condom 100% of the time. Having a baby changes your life forever, so that is too important of a decision to leave up to someone else. You will be tempted to do that at some point in your life, but hopefully you will think better of it in that moment.

People are more at risk to get a sexually transmitted infection later in life if they have gotten one earlier. Many people have sexually transmitted infections but do not know it, so a condom always needs to be a part of your sexual activity. If it is, you can relax and be present in the moment.  At some point, consider preparing by putting on a condom while you masturbate so this can go smoother for you in the moment when partnered.

Don’t ever engage in sex because you feel pressured to do so. If anyone pressures you, we would hope you would reconsider being intimate with that person altogether.

Be aware that one out of six females and one out of seven males have experienced some sort of sexual trauma.  The numbers for transgender and gender diverse people are the highest at 1 out of 2 people.  When you interact with someone, you always need to keep that in mind.

Get “enthusiastic consent” while interacting intimately. Be aware that some of the people that you will interact with may feel pressure to engage with you, even though you are not pressuring them.

Equality is also important with intimacy. It isn’t as important for things to be exactly equal with every interaction, but you want to have equality over time. How else does equality play out within adolescents? There is a trend in high schools where girls feel obligated to perform oral sex within relationships. Not only is this only the case for girls, but the girls feel like it is an expectation of the relationship. While this whole concept may be tempting to think about, you have to be sure you never put someone in a situation where they aren’t completely comfortable. Mutual respect, equality, and consent are the keys to healthy relationships and they need to be what you bring to every relationship. That is true for you whether you are with someone for a year or a night. If you can’t be kind to someone before, during, and after engaging intimately, you shouldn’t be with them at all.

While you want to be aware of your partner and tuned into each other, you need to know that it is okay to be tuned into yourself and that it’s healthy to receive. Ideally you would be able to do this without guilt. You don’t want to be so consumed with pleasing someone else that you can’t tune into yourself.

You have not told us anything specific about your orientation.  We understand that sexuality exists along a continuum and it can change over a lifetime, so it is much less black and white as once thought. You need to know that we love you so much, regardless of who you are attracted to. This is also true for your identified gender. What we care about is that you are happy and healthy. Know that sex is healthy.

We are hoping you consider approaching it with the concepts here. Sex is a good thing given to us by a good god. Continue to be the respectful and loving person you are and this will show though for you and your partners.

We love you so much.

Your Mom & Dad

(Or Mom & Step-Dad, Mom & Mom, Grandparent, etc….)

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